Family Violence and Children
Adults in abusive homes often think that their children do not know about the abuse or that it does not affect or harm the child. But even children who do not suffer from personal abuse are affected.
When a child is in a home or a community where there is violence, it changes how their brain develops. These changes can lead to lifelong problems in learning, behaviour, and physical and mental health problems. Your reaction strongly influences your child’s response.
Signs in young children exposed to violence
When a child’s brain is distracted by fear and stress, they may:
- Be irritable or have difficulty calming down.
- Become easily startled.
- Have behaviours common to being younger (thumb sucking, bed wetting, or fear of the dark).
- Have frequent tantrums.
- Cling to caregivers.
- Experience changes in their level of activity.
- Repeat events over and over in play or conversation.
How to help
The best way to help children is to ensure they feel safe. You can help children cope with exposure to violence by:
- Staying calm and reinforcing a stable and safe environment.
- Encouraging them to express their feelings by listening to and hearing their stories.
- Keeping a regular schedule or routine for meals, quiet time, playtime, and bedtime.
- Helping children prepare for changes and new experiences.
- Spending more time together as a family.
- Being patient and letting children name and express feelings.
- Providing extra attention, comfort, and encouragement.
- Ensuring they know the violence they witnessed or experienced was not their fault.
The parent-child bond weakens when parents cannot regularly and positively respond to a child’s needs. Children may become aggressive or withdrawn, resulting in increased parent-child conflict. They may become injured while trying to keep the family safe during episodes of violence.
Signs in children exposed to violence.
Children exposed to family violence may display some of the following behaviours:
- Loud noises or images of violence may cause distress.
- Have behaviours common to being younger (thumb sucking, bed wetting, or fear of the dark)
- Fight with peers or adults
- Take on inappropriate responsibilities for their age.
- Show anger and other emotions in unhealthy ways.
- Withdraw from people or activities; want to be left alone.
- Have a lack of interest in or feelings about anything.
- Have difficulty paying attention.
- Show changes in school performance.
- Get into trouble at home or school.
Family violence can make a child’s transition into adolescence more difficult. The older school-aged child may:
- Run away.
- Leave home at a young age.
- Drop out of school.
- Abuse alcohol or drugs.
You can help.
You can tell your child that most people have many feelings when they see or experience violence. Being upset, scared, angry, sad, or anxious is a normal reaction. Children at this age need to have their questions answered and talk about the experience as often as needed. Other ways you can help children cope include:
- Remaining calm and reinforcing a stable and safe environment.
- Encouraging them to express their feelings by listening to and hearing their stories.
- Keeping a regular schedule or routine for meals, quiet time, playtime, and bedtime.
- Helping children prepare for changes and new experiences.
- Spending more time together as a family.
- Being patient and letting children name and express feelings.
- Providing extra attention, comfort, and encouragement.
- Ensuring they know the violence they witnessed or experienced was not their fault.
What can I do to prevent violence?
You are your child’s most important role model. You can shape your child’s attitudes and behaviour in the short and long term by:
- Letting children know that violence is never OK.
- Being a role model for respect in your relationships.
- Helping your children develop respectful attitudes.
- Treating others equally, fairly and in the same way you want to be treated.
- Let your child know that people have diverse views, beliefs, values, religions, and cultural practices.
- Teaching them to show respect even when you don’t agree with someone’s values or views.
- Letting your child know everyone makes mistakes and learns from those mistakes.
- Communicating openly without yelling or aggression towards your child in an argument.
How do I talk to my child about violence?
Early conversations and role-modelling will help your child develop and keep respectful relationships. And open, early discussions send the message that your child can come to you to talk about their relationships and emotions.
Violence can be a challenging topic to talk about with your child. It’s often best to use everyday activities and events to help your child learn about respect:
- Teach your child how to recognize aggression and violence. Teasing, name-calling and bullying in the playground are forms of verbal and emotional violence. Hitting, pushing, punching, and smacking others are forms of physical violence.
- Let your child know that there’s no excuse for violent or aggressive behaviour from peers, and they don’t have to put up with it. Teach your child to say, ‘Stop – I don’t like it.”
- Let your child know how they can tell peers to stop being violent or aggressive towards them or others. For example, they could say, “Stop it – that’s not OK.”
- Never excuse rude, rough, or violent behaviour by saying things like “children will be children.”
- Show your child how to resolve conflicts by seeing you using words and problem-solving to sort out disagreements.
- Praise your child when they use words and skills to solve problems. For example, “It’s great how you stayed calm and walked away when you were feeling angry. You didn’t take your anger out by hitting. Well done!”
A child who can say, “Stop – I don’t like it,” is more likely to grow into a confident person who can tell others what they want and don’t want in relationships.
What do I do when I feel I might hurt my child?
Children have the right to be safe from harm and abuse. If you feel you might hurt your child, getting help is best for your child and yourself.
In the moment:
- Stop yourself from reacting.
- Take deep breaths.
- If someone you trust is nearby, ask them to take over for a while. Do something that soothes you – for example, listen to music, go for a run, or take a shower.
- If it’s safe, walk away from your child for 10-15 minutes alone.
- If you can’t walk away from your child, sit nearby, and breathe. Try blocking your ears or using noise-cancelling headphones if your child is loud.
- Call someone to talk you through the moment, like a family member, a friend, or a support helpline.
When you’re calmer:
- Think about what has happened and how it’s affecting you and your child.
- Do something to improve the situation. For example, change your family routine or try stress management.
- Get support to make changes.
By seeking help, you’re doing the best thing possible for your child, your family and yourself.